


help, i lost myself again (but i remember you)

by kaleleafs



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Confused Bucky Barnes, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Pining Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Song fic, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Unrequited Love, i don’t ship them, it’s a billie eilish song, kind of, possibly, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 19:30:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20452379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaleleafs/pseuds/kaleleafs
Summary: bucky barnes doesn't remember much about himself or his past life, but there is one person he can't seem to forget





	help, i lost myself again (but i remember you)

**Author's Note:**

> so i won’t be writing a lot of steve/bucky fics because i really don’t ship them as a couple at all, but i love billie eilish & this song so i gave it a shot...
> 
> the song is six feet under if you’re curious by the way

It's cold. The Asset always wakes up cold nowadays, his mind still insisting he's locked in cyro for another decade. He can't remember where he is, struggles to keep the Soldier from taking over at the slightest spark of fear and danger. Not remembering isn't new for the Asset, but feeling as though he should know where he is terrifies him.

His breathing picks up and he feels himself slipping down, down, down, about to let the Soldier deal with whatever mission HYDRA has thrown them into now when a weight on his arm-- the flesh one, not the revolting hunk of metal-- allows him to ground his mind and take a breath.

The Asset looks up, not quite seeing the man in front of him clearly. Part of him wants to cower away from the touch while the greater part wants to lean into the warmth; but the Asset should not want. The Asset does not have needs beyond what his handlers decide for him.

The man is talking, that much the Asset is able to gather but he can't hear the words. What is his mission? What are the parameters? Is the man looking down at him in pure grief and worry the target? Should he be eliminating the threat?

The Asset can't remember ever being this confused. His handlers never left him in doubt, always giving him the required information for the mission at hand-- nothing more, nothing less. But now there is no mission and all the Asset is aware of is the warm hand on his flesh arm.

Despite himself, the Asset lets out a pained whimper.

"It's okay, Buck. Breathe, that's it. Listen to my voice. You're in New York, Avengers Tower and it's 3:37 in the morning. You're not with HYDRA, no one is going to hurt you."

The voice is soothing in a way that HYDRA's orders always were to the Asset. The voice his confident, strong and takes him back to a back-alley where a scrawny kid is taking on a man double his size. The Asset feels his heart swell in affection at the memory, which can't be right. The Asset does not have feelings, the Asset does not care about anything.

But the scrawny blonde boy weasels his way into the Asset's subconscious nonetheless and the Asset is plagued with memories of the boy drawing, laughing, taking on bullies just because he wanted to "stick up for the little guy."

And when he looks harder at the man sitting in front of him, the resemblance is uncanny. This man is warmth and safety and home. This man is Steve.

The Asset might not be able to remember anything else, but he remembers Steve. And that's enough.

\- - - - - - 

Even when Bucky isn't suffering from nightmares of his time with HYDRA and regressing to a dangerous assassin with amnesia, he still has no idea who he is. Everyone calls him Bucky (save the owner of the tower, Tony Stark, who insists that Bucky is either a name for a child or a porn star and calls him James instead), but he doesn't know what any of those names even mean.

Because, sure. The soldier knows his name his James Buchanan Barnes, but he doesn't remember who that man was. Doesn't know if he can ever be him again.

But, on his best days, Bucky remembers Steve. At times, he gets glimpses of the war, the Howling Commandos, even his mom and sisters, but none of them ever compare to his memories of Steve.

In both the present day and his memories, Steve is light. Steve is Bucky's tether to the little bit of sanity he has remaining, he's his rock. Bucky surely wouldn't know what to do if the man wasn't here.

But in his memories, Steve is so much more than that. Steve is acceptance and love and strength. Steve is hidden kisses behind the dumpsters in that same back-alley and lingering touches by the dull glow of a lamp in a military tent. Steve is beauty and confidence and when Bucky remembers him-- remembers their arms wrapped around each other, using the cold as an excuse for the position-- Bucky swears it's like finding a piece of himself.

So it's pretty easy for Bucky to fall back in love with Steve Rogers.

Really, it doesn't take anytime at all.

However, Bucky is still broken. He's reminded of this as Steve dives into some story of their teen years, his gorgeous white-toothed smile falling off his face when Bucky admits he can't remember. He's reminded in the way Steve refuses to touch him unless he's having a nightmare; the soft, reassuring caresses of the past nothing more than tales of another man's life. But most of all, he's reminded by Steve himself.

One day, when Steve is telling him a feel-good story about the Howling Commandos, he must see it all over Bucky's face. Because the soldier isn't focusing on the story, couldn't even if he wanted to, because he's much more focused on the way Steve's lips move when he's telling it. Would rather trace the creases by his emotion-filled blue eyes when he laughs. And only when Steve's melodic voice stops is Bucky able to focus again.

He wants to tell him. Wants to share what he's feeling. So, reluctantly and a lot more nervous than a trained assassin should be, he opens his mouth to do just that.

"Steve, I-"

"Don't," Steve winces, looking pained as he blurts the word out.

"But I-"

"Please don't say it, Buck." So Bucky shuts his mouth and waits despite the pain in his chest. "It's just... I'm not the same person anymore, Bucky. I'm not. And you're my best friend. I don't want to- couldn't imagine losing you again."

Steve looks shaken beyond belief as he runs a hand through his hair, blue eyes wildly searching Bucky's own. The soldier doesn't know what expressions are on his face, but Steve must not like what he sees because he sighs and continues on.

"Everything has changed, Buck. It just wouldn't be a good idea. Not right now. Not until.."

"Not until I'm better," Bucky finishes hoarsely, the tears threatening to spill out making it harder to breathe. "Because I'm broken."

"No!" Steve insists going to reach out for Bucky but thinks better of it at the last second and lets his hand fall to his side. "God, no, Bucky. You're still you despite everything HYDRA put you through, but this isn't the 40s anymore. We just need to give it some time."

Bucky is almost relieved when a bell rings signaling the arrival of their food and Steve gets up to answer it.

Maybe it is a bad idea, the two of them together. But Bucky can't help but wonder if it'd be the same, if it'd feel the same; Steve's lips on his in the dark, whispered sweet nothings in his ear as they drift off to sleep. But Steve doesn't want that. And Bucky would never deny Steve anything if he could help it.

So he'll drop it, knowing all the while if Steve asked to have him back, he'd do it in a heartbeat. Because Steve is still that scrawny kid from Brooklyn that couldn't back down from a fight, and Bucky would follow him anywhere.

Bucky might have lost himself the day he fell off that train, but he remembers Steve Rogers and that's enough.


End file.
